before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
