i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
