his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
