So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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