btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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