you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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