I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize