You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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