Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
