Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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