I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
