i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You were trust falling into bushes
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
