Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
