I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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