woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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