dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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