yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
