so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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