the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How's work?
Spinning.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
