I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
