Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
