Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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