I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize