Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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