My hand turned me down
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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