I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
