There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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