She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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