i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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