i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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