Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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