i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
