I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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