bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
