it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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