you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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