Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
