That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
