My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
