I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
How naked do you want me to be?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
