the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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