My room smells like vodka and shame
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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