Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
