Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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