I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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