Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
