sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
