Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
