he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize