Swine flu. Run for my life!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I can't put those talents on a resume
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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