i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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