I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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