i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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