Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
