Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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