dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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