Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
