Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
