i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
