i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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