Cold hands, warm shart.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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